Long ago, our people journeyed far to the west, to take up arms with our brothers, the Dwarves. After traveling for 40 days and 40 nights, the brotherhood of the gnome arrived in the shire of Pitt, and they did behold that their hosts served only koolaid and neutral grain spirits. This disturbed the brothers, who found the ways of their hosts strange and not in keeping with the sabbath. And so they went to the inn, and asked the innkeeper for a cask of his finest rum. The innkeeper confided in them that he had several bottles taken from the private reserve of a deceased sea captain, and he did produce an enormous glass vessel of the spirit, and all was well. As they walked back to their camp, the gnomes with the dwarves, they heard the call of the watchmen, who were closing the city gate. When they arrived, one of the brothers hoisted the glass vessel, and in his exuberance he allowed it to slip from his hands, and the jar fell heavily upon the paving stones in the street.
One of the brothers–the eldest–cried “Woe! the gates are closed, so that we may not purchase another, and I have already spent more gold than is my share for this journey”. But the youngest brother knelt down, and again raised the jar. His fellows gasped, and bade him to stop, lest he rend his flesh on the broken pieces, but lo, the jar was still intact!

Response: Glory be for The Captain has risen!

They all pushed in and inspected the jar, to discover the meaning of this miracle, for they had each of them heard the crash of shattering glass against stone. What they perceived was that the handle of the jar had borne all of the energy of the impact, and sacrificing itself, acted as a cushion for the precious liquid. The dwarves who dwelt in that great hall, and their guests the gnomes then drank for a full 8 hours more, though they had only enough for 1 or 2.

And this, my children, is how such jars came to be known as handles, in memorial to the noble sacrifice of that handle which gave it’s life so that we might drink our fill.

Tags: Pittsburgh, The Blessed Handle, The Sex Dwarves

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